Whether we are mothers, aunts or older sisters, women have always felt a very strong responsibility of motherhood and upbringing towards the little ones in the house. And although sometimes we feel that we have lost the true teachings to raise and educate a child, we can recognize and identify that something is not going so well with the way in which we are educating our children.
Based on research by Tim Elmore, a research psychologist and best-selling author, he has identified the typical mistakes parents make, which in many cases limit their children’s success.
1. Stop helping him with literally everything.
When we do this, and surround them with excessive “care”, we take away the possibility of finding a way out of difficult situations on their own. The best thing will be to question your ability to understand the problems that arise at the time. For example: “Son, can’t you open the door? The doors are tall and have knobs; remember which way the knobs turn…is it to your right or to your left?”
In most cases, a couple of minutes of understanding the problem will go a long way in coping with the problems of adulthood later, for they don’t have the feeling that the problem be the responsibility of someone other than themselves.
2. Don’t get excited ahead of time
The so-called baby boomers were the children who in the primary boom of the 80’s were part of a school dynamic in which “each child receives his trophy”, which allowed all children to feel specials; however, modern psychological research asserts that these methods could be causing unforeseen consequences in minors.
Assuming that mom and dad are the #1 fans, the son will come to a point where he finds the measure of how to make his parents proud and at the same time quite doubtful of the family’s objectivity. At some point in his adult life, when he is confronted with the fact that he is not the best, as he was led to believe, he may be prone to defending lies and hiding uncomfortable truths.
3. Do not replace a feeling of guilt with good behavior
Your child will have to face many tests of love and hate; good and bad feelings, as all adults have them. The fact that he is now young and innocent, does not mean that he must necessarily love you, his family or his friends all the time. Your children have the right to feel different moods during the day and that is not why they are spoiled children. Although this point is a little more difficult to achieve in balance, a little space alone for your son during his day could be a factor of drastic change in his mood and behavior.
4. Help them overcome problems by not pampering them so much.
Denying things when they can’t, makes them fall into the reality in which they live, for example; “Son, what you want CANNOT be, so THIS is the ‘adversity’ you are going through NOW, maybe in the FUTURE or in another situation you can ACHIEVE it.”
Talking between the lines to your children will be something that helps them motivate themselves in much more loving and healthy ways, unlike material stimuli to keep them “happy”, such as prizes for no reason or to avoid a tantrum. Think that if the relationship with your child is based much more on material stimuli, they will not feel any internal motivation or unconditional love.
5. Tell him your mistakes from when you were his age
Part of the relationship you have with your son is fueled by mutual trust, the confidence that he has that you know what you do, as well as that you trust what he will do. Your son is young and believes that his mistakes are the first in the history of mankind, but some empathy with him will make him feel better; a little less judged if he makes a mistake and a lot more free to discuss those mistakes with you.
6. Do not confuse intellect with maturity
There are two things that can never replace maturity: talent and IQ. A child who is a mathematical athlete will have great reasoning ability about things he knows and understands, but when it comes to social problems, and not algebra, he may have more difficulty solving them. This is normal and very logical, because each brain works differently to certain teaching methods. Overestimating his intelligence and starting to treat him like an adult at an early age is very hard for them, because you have to be aware that he is still a minor who is also afraid of making mistakes.
7. Practice what you are preached
If you don’t live up to the standards that your children are learning, you are practically lying to them, and teaching them to lie to themselves. Perhaps out loud they have never judged or questioned you for the things you do and they are obviously illogical for them; but they may be thinking. Being a good example for them will help them a lot, because qualities of you and your way of living can be recognized in other role models that could be worthwhile in their life and dreams.
8. Allow your children to take risks
Having your child under excessive care takes away much more security from them than it can give them. European psychologists discovered that if children do not play in the street, if they have never fallen and scraped their knees, they are much more likely to develop phobias during their adult lives. Children must fall and learn to get up to heal their wounds, just as a teenager must learn to cope with conflicts with their peers and experience first love to acquire emotional stability.
9. Keep everything you promise
This ranges from a punishment to a reward. You will never find security in the things you do or should not do. If you promise him a punishment that you will not fulfill, the only thing you will do is that he will never think that you are strong with your actions. Just like the day that if you serve him a punishment, he won’t even know how to react to such a brave act of yours to “comply”. As with a prize as a stimulus that motivates him to do things well, because he will know that when you finish them you will keep your word. This is very important in adult life, when it comes to work and school, you have to teach them how and when to promise.
10. Do not use emotional blackmail or as a last resort
In the long run, it is something that could irreversibly define the behavior of your children. In addition to being a totally unnecessary resource, when communication with your children is strong and clear, there should be no need for comments such as, “you’re going to kill me in disgust”, or “if you don’t go to sleep the monsters will come out of the closet”; to say that you believe that it is a slight blackmail that will not generate conflict in your son, but when you do that, you are basically teaching him to manipulate people based on lies and at the expense of his feelings.